July 2017 by Marie K Johnston
I would like to thank everyone who reads this post in advance.
I have come a long way in my journey in the last three months. You see, I have Bipolar Disorder and I made a very serious attempt on my life on March 8, 2017. I took over 300 pills, laid down in my bed, and flatlined (according to the doctors who later treated me) multiple times in the next 8 hours. Around 3 am, I opened my eyes, lying there, unable to move or breathe. All of a sudden, I felt air force itself into my lungs and I realized it wasn’t coming from me–the force of the air was so strong, I breathed in the biggest gasp of air in my life! I realized that breath came from God, to save my life. I didn’t even believe in God, but this was definitely a God experience. I was so relieved–I had never really wanted to leave my husband and daughter, at all. I had just been so depressed at the realization I had had a few months before that yes, my father had actually raped me during my senior year of high school, of all the recovered memories, that I had become very suicidal. I ended up making a slow journey to my husband on my suicide night, alerting him, knowing an ambulance would be called, and falling down and slipping into unconsciousness.
The doctors told Chris that if I lived, I would be on dialysis for the rest of my life. They told him I had damaged all of my major organs, including my heart. When I did wake up, I couldn’t eat because the pills had ruined my stomach. We stayed in that recovery room for what seemed like a month, my husband never leaving my side, as I drank tons of water and tried to heal. Then after seven days in the recovery room, the doctors were amazed at how well I was doing. It really was a God thing–I knew I would recover fully, and after about a month, I actually did! Of course, I had to go to a mental hospital, but after doing a lot of work on my incest experience, they let me go home after 3 days.
The reason I am writing all of this down for you is because I had a kind of epiphany about the way life works–everyone has a purpose, and I believe if you have not yet fulfilled your purpose, God will not allow you to take your own life. I believe I am still here to do a few things–be a mother and a wife, be a daughter, and be a published author. I believe I am meant to be a published author to write books detailing my experiences so that I can help readers with a mental illness or who have survived violence, or both.
The piece I submit for publication is meant to help people, even though it is technically literary fiction. “Mental” is really just about healing from major damage inflicted by others, but specifically it is about healing from incest.
I recently watched a movie with Chris. It was about a writer who had penned a tale about the rape and murder of his wife and daughter. This wasn’t a true story, it was from his imagination. I found myself getting angry and making comments about this while we watched. I always get upset during rape tales because of what my father did, but this was bigger anger. I realized I was angry with the person who had written this film–why subject an audience to this? What will the audience get out of writing about these topics? I reformulated why I write anything down–I feel compelled to write about people triumphing through adversity and challenges, not just subject the audience to a horror show of violence.
So, this is, I believe, the point of my personal journey–to help the mentally ill and violence survivors by telling my painful story.
I have begun writing Pinterest ads that are positive and uplifting. with my website address on them. So far, no one has visited this site, but I only started making these positive life ads yesterday. I am confident that people will soon start visiting, so I am going to try and make a daily blog recounting the things I am doing in my life to become a whole individual.
Thank you for reading! If you like these ideas, please follow this website.
Thank you for reading this first in a line of many blogs on the topic of healing from, then thriving in spite of, mental illness and sexual abuse/incest!